So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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