Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Drake has all the answers
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize