...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
