i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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