Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
