Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
