Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
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