I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
