Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
