Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
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