I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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