Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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