I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
