I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
