ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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