After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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