I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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