she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Dicks are not precious.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You don't make any sense
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