last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
