True but thats because hes a fetus.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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