Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
