I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Randomize
