I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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