take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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