This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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