I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
