So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
