Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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