Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
