WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
