So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
