I wish I could teleport
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
