just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
