If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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