And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Randomize
