Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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