My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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