I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
