I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
