It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
