she was so not down for the gang bang
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize