i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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