remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
