i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
