I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
