I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
