Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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