just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize