You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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