I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
i think my cat just said my name.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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