I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
