I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
