i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I can't turn off my feet"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
