The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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