At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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