so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
