i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We have so much sex to catch up on
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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