i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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