did you get engaged???
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
