I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize