Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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