Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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