I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
