go do what you do best...puke behind churches
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
