How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
