I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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