there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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