when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
