I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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