If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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