I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
