zippers are such a cool invention
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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