His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
