had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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