Non-Jews are for practice
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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