Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
