That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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